by Danny Ziebarth
“Tony, the sun below ground. No light. Time go now.”
“Yes Mike. Time go.”
“You remember spray good scent liquid?” Mike asked.
“Yes. I smell good across entire cave,” Tony replied with a proud smile.
“You have firestick to carry for light way to dance cave?”
“I make now. Give minute.”
Tony walked over to the corner of his cave, pulling two sticks and some dry grass out of their respective holes in the cave. He set the dry grass on the ground and began vigorously rubbing the two sticks together near the kindling. After a few seconds, a spark caught the dry grass and a fire started. Tony held one of the sticks in the grass a little longer before it began to glow with a soft tangerine-tinted light.
“Okay, Mike. I ready,” stated Tony as he walked out of his cave to meet Mike.
“I see you wear new loincloth,” Mike said with a nod of approval as he pointed at the piece of fabric.
“Yes. Look good for ladies,” Tony answered with satisfaction. “I see you wear new vest.”
“Yes. Ladies like nice vest too,” Mike replied as he patted the new garment.
“These words true,” Tony confirmed.
Mike and Tony then began headbutting each other repeatedly in a show of celebration until they bled. After this show of elation, they wiped blood from their foreheads and began to walk out of Tony’s cave.
“Remember,” Mike began, looking at Tony, “when we get to dance cave, act cool.”
“Yes, I act cool.”
“Order drink first. Then, scan room.”
“Yes. That correct order.”
“Hopefully Carl not bouncer tonight,” Mike added. “Carl asshole.”
“Yes, Carl big asshole.”
Mike and Tony both laughed at this inside joke. They continued walking for a few seconds before Mike turned to Tony again. His face was more serious this time. “No be weird with ladies this time. Okay?”
“Of course,” responded Tony nonchalantly, “I never weird with ladies.”
“You sometimes weird with ladies,” replied Mike with a look of concern in his eyes.
“No. I don’t do,” Tony said back, more defensively this time.
“You remember last week,” began Mike, “you go up and ask nice lady if she ever light fire with man who really good at light fires and also really good at kill big dinosaurs and also very impressive during nighttime cave activities?”
“I no have recollection of that,” Tony replied.
“Then she reply yes,” Mike continued, “but she say she no think you man to do this. Then you laugh uncomfortable and start sweat little and say no no no, that not what you meant. You say you just make simple conversation. Then she say she go drink fermented rock water with her friends. Then you come back to me after and say she uncool and then you start sweat lot and then you start cry?”
Tony scratched his head theatrically this time before speaking. “That sound sad, but that not me. That must be other man. I will say though, he sound like good man. He sound like strong, nice man who no get treat good by mean, ugly woman. I think he sound like he really good at light fires and good at kill big dinosaurs, and also impressive during nighttime cave activities. Oh, also I think I forget something in cave. I go back and grab before go.
Mike then stopped as Tony turned around and began to run back to the cave screaming and sobbing. After a couple minutes Tony came back sniffling, with his eyes red and puffy. Mike looked at Tony.
“You okay?” Mike asked with concern.
“Yes, I okay,” Tony answered through sniffles with his voice breaking. “I get what I need from cave. It…uh…it rock. I get rock.”
“But you no have rock now.”
“Yes. I carry it. I just no want to show you right now. Leave me alone.”
Mike let the conversation go and he and Tony both began to walk again.
“Watch out for woolly mammoth. They mean,” Mike stated after a minute of walking in silence.
“Yes, woolly mammoth very mean.” Tony replied. He began to sniffle again and one tear rolled down his face.
“Sorry to bring up woolly mammoth. I know woolly mammoth kill your father and your mother and your sister and your brother and your other brother and then your other brother too.”
“It okay,” said Tony, trying to sound relaxed again. “It long time ago. Almost ten day now.”
“Yes, that true,” Mike replied. “Also, when we get there no drink too much fermented rock water this time. You no act same when drink too much fermented rock water this time.”
“I never drink too much fermented rock water,” retorted Tony defensively. “Maybe you drink too much fermented rock water.”
“I no drink too much fermented rock water. I set limit,” continued Mike, proudly. “Never drink more then 20 sculls fermented rock water.”
“Well I no drink more than 19 sculls fermented rock water so maybe you have fermented rock water problem,” Tony responded as he pointed at Mike accusingly.
“I no have problem. But I think you have problem. Remember when you drink fermented rock water before we go to dance cave and then you pass out on walk before we even get to dance cave?”
“That no me,” replied Tony.
“I think that you.”
“No, I no do. He sound like fun guy though.”
Mike sighed and gave up with the conversation again. After four hours of walking, Mike and Tony arrive at the cave dance location with a sign made out of stones that read “The Pleistocene Epic”. As they approached, Mike and Tony both looked at each other unhappily.
“Oh no, Carl here,” they exclaimed in unison.
“What we do now?” Tony asked, looking at Mike.
“Okay, try look tough and cool,” replied Mike.
“Yes, good idea” Tony confirmed. “Okay. Easy. I always look tough and cool.”
They both straightened their posture and slicked back their hair with the residual blood still dripping from their celebratory headbutt earlier as they approached Carl.
“Hi Carl,” Mike said as they stood in front of the large man. “Good see you again. We here get in dance cave. Have good night.”
As Mike and Tony began to walk towards the entrance Carl stuck his arm out, stopping their progress as his gaze scanned them coldly. “Too many men,” stated Carl. “You no get in.”
“Carl. Just us two,” Tony began to plead, trying to make his voice sound as deep as possible. “You know us. We get in.”
“No. No get in,” Carl shot back, still looking displeased.
“Okay,” Mike began calmly, “Carl, we give you 10 lion teeth each. We get in.”
“50 lion teeth each,” retorted Carl.
“Carl, no be asshole,” whined Tony. “50 too much. That whole month lion teeth.”
“50 lowest I can do,” answered Carl with a shrug.
“C’mon Carl,” stated Mike as he tried to reason with the large, serious man. “We come to cave dance all time. We never make problem. We friends Carl.”
Carl glared back at Mike. “We no friends. Plus, you always make problem. Literally every time you here you make problem.”
“Carl no be asshole!” yelled Tony, clearly getting impatient.
Carl glared over at Tony now, but then his expression changed slightly and he sighed. “Okay 49 lion teeth each.”
“Deal!” Tony exclaimed as he began to empty out his loincloth.
“Tony, no,” Mike roared in a scolding tone, “that too much!”
“Sorry, I already give all 49 lion teeth to Carl,” replied Tony as Carl stashed the lion teeth in his loincloth.
Mike shook his head before pulling out 49 lion teeth and handing them to Carl, who quickly stashed the additional teeth away.
“Okay, you go in now. Please no make problems,” Carl says curtly as he motioned his head towards the entrance of the dance cave.
Mike and Tony high fived and then began to headbutt each other once again until they both collapsed to the ground and passed out for five minutes. Once they regained consciousness they stood up and high fived again. As they took their first step inside the dance cave, Tony grabbed Mike by the shoulder and stopped him. Tony struggled to make eye contact with Mike, but began speaking.
“Mike, I have confession tell you,” Tony began. “When you say time I pass out from drink too much fermented rock water on way to cave dance and I say that no me. That me.”
“Yes, I know that you buddy,” responded Mike, gently.
Tony nodded. “Mike, I have other confession,” Tony started to say after another moment passed. “That man who tell nice lady he really good at light fires and really good at kill big dinosaurs, and also impressive during nighttime cave activities, he me.
“Yes, I know that you too,” replied Mike.
Tony nodded once again. “Mike, I also have more confession. When we leave my cave and I say I need go back to get something, I no go back to get something. I lie. I go back cry. I cry lot. I scream too. I scream lot. Then I grab stick and beat on wall of cave until cave have many crack and Joe who live in cave next door come and start yell. He yell and he yell. He say I too loud and he make me stop beat on wall of cave. Then I beat Joe with stick many time until he go back to his cave. Then I cry more.
“Yes, Tony,” said Mike. “I hear and see whole situation and that just happen four hours ago.”
Tony put his head down looking dejected, unable to even look at Mike anymore. Mike took a deep breath and patted Tony on the back as a grin slowly began to spread across his face. “Joe asshole,” said Mike.
Tony lifted his head and began to crack a smile along with Mike. “Yes, Joe asshole,” replied Tony happily. “Joe big asshole.”
This time, Mike nodded. “We go buddy. Into cave dance now. Just remember, be cool.” “Yes. I be cool,” Tony responded, standing up straighter once again and slicking back his hair with more blood from his forehead. “We both be cool tonight.”
About the Author:
Danny Ziebarth is a doctoral student. His short fiction has appeared in Rubbertop Review and Writer’s Block Magazine, and his poetry has appeared in Peregrine and Uoma. He previously worked as a reader for the literary magazine Sepia Quarterly and as a book critic for the literary magazine Five South.